President Cerulean

The wife of a U.S. Senator was preparing a romantic dinner for her and her husband. She was slicing a chicken cutlet, when she cut her finger with the carving knife. Three drops of blood fell on to the cutlet, and at that moment she knew that she would die giving birth to a baby boy with kind blue eyes, and a loving heart. He would grow up to be President of the United States. Don’t bother asking how she knew this. She just did. Chalk it up to mother’s intuition.

Anyway…nine months passed, and the boy was born just as she predicted. With her dying breath, she named him Cerulean Carver Cunningham, even though she never got to see her son’s face.

For the early part of his life, Cerulean was raised by a nanny who took to calling him “Cer” (pronounced “Sir”). His father, The Senator, could either be found at the Capitol building, or out lunching around Washington with some diplomat or another.

Naturally, Cer grew very close to his nanny. It didn’t hurt that she was also secretly his fairy godmother. She never cooked, but freshly baked goods were always about the kitchen, and she knew all about Cer’s destiny. She made sure he learned about the many sides of the American political system before he was barely old enough to read. By the time he entered kindergarten, Cer was already way ahead of his peers in this regard.

The gap in his upbringing only continued to grow as Cer did. While other kids wore t-shirts and jeans, his closet was filled with polo shirts, and khaki’s. On top of this, bullies could sense Cer’s goodness, and it lured them in. Hardly a day went by when Cer wasn’t being pushed or punched.

Each confrontation left Cer feeling scared and confused. He could not understand how his peers could be so hurtful. He felt no ill will towards them. Cer approached his nanny with the problem, and that night she cast a spell that would force the evildoers of his school to give themselves wedgies any time they thought of bullying others.

For a while, this spell sufficed. At least twice a day, Cer witnessed boys or girls screeching as they pulled underwear over their heads. Deep down; however, he knew he would one day have to fight bullies on his own. As president, he would have to deal with bullies all the time.

When The Senator arrived home that evening, Cer was waiting for him.

“What can I do to stop bullies,” Cer asked.

“Keep calm. Tell them what you want, and don’t negotiate.” said The Senator.

So, Cer went ahead and tried out his father’s advice. Sometimes it worked, and sometimes it didn’t, but the more Cer talked, the more he learned about the psyche of a bully. They were usually just frightened, overlooked people, seeking recognition. Cer learned to play to their egos while protecting himself and others. It was a careful balancing act, but Cer learned to play the politics of his school brilliantly.

This ability to smoothly combat arguments would come in handy years later, when Cer replaced his father as Senator, and then ten years after that when he successfully ran for President. In an off-the-cuff acceptance speech, Cer would go on to credit the bullies in his life for fortifying his character, and presenting him with an understanding of the “anti-role model” for who he never wanted to be.

It also didn’t hurt that his nanny was still around to wedgie any bully who resisted the Cerulean Charm.


Written by Alex Schattner (8/29/12)

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